Life as a reformed Zookeeper. Now living a life as a working mother who dabbles in karate, scrapbooking, and Coors Light!

Friday, June 30, 2006

Why I Love Working in An Office.....

...full of people who weren't born here. The World Cup is on. We have been watching it. And I've had more belly laughs over them yelling in support of teams that are neither US or *country where they're from*. Go Germany, though! Way to win in double OT!

...another reason I love working in an office (full of men, irregardless from where they originally hail)....Buffalo Wild Wings for lunch. We had a good laugh at one of the guys calling it BW2's. Of course, technically they would be BW2's, since they've long since ditched the "weck" (whatever the fuck that shit is anyway...). But no one ever calls them that. Belly laughs, I say. And threats of the office monkey going to wash said guy's car. And threats of getting my ass kicked. haha. See, I'm starting to fit in around here.

...ANYWAY, pity me. I'm going to YET ANOTHER family reunion. This time, however, it is not with my family, but my husband's. For the most part, it will be fine, but roll on alcohol! *winks*

Thursday, June 29, 2006

Working As An Assistant.....

....Work is going pretty well at the moment. I'm getting used to everything and everyone. It's still weird, and I can't put my finger on why, necessarily. But the feeling is leaning more toward the "getting more comfortable here" weird instead of "what the fuck was I thinking?" weird. I chalk it up to a different sort of chemistry than what I had at my old job. When I went to work at EY, within a month, I felt like I'd worked there for YEARS. I clicked fairly well with everyone. With this place, the clickage factor isn't as immediate. I still often feel like the odd man out, and that has a tendency to make me sad. Not sad enough to quit, though (don't worry dear boss, if you should chance to read this), but sad enough to wish things had turned out a bit differently work-wise. But to wish that is not only useless, it also somehow degrades the importance of the last three years and all that changed because of the twins. No, I do not wish life any differently in REALITY. But the DREAM would be to have been able to go back to the point where I liked my old job and group at EY. Circa 2001. *sigh* But I digress. I do appreciate the fact that I have a job to go to. One that will (eventually) pay enough to pay the bills. One that is fairly stable.

But I digress. The funny thing is that I see some of the same patterns developing as the "new assistant in a hectic atmosphere". People are so busy that it's hard for them to be able to stop everything and train me. So, they give me as much as they can stop and explain at the time. Which, generally, is not enough to fill my eight-hour-minus-however-long-it-takes-me-to-eat-lunch day. So, I keep going back to them for work. And, I'll be damned if they're not to the point of trying to avoid me because they don't know what to give me. And, KB, my old boss. Did the very same thing. Which, in and of itself, has made me feel like all this just might work.

I do miss me some babies, though. Must call my Brazilian family and tell them that I'm rooting for their team with the World Cup! *tee hee*

Tuesday, June 27, 2006


....I'm going back and forth between being a sleep-monger and insomniac these days. For those of you who know me well enough, you know that I could sleep all day if given the chance. I love to sleep. Love to nap. Which is why it is particularly disturbing when I see midnight go past, despite the fact that I need to be up at 6:00 the next morning! I tried EVERYTHING to get to sleep on Sunday night, but I know that I saw midnight go past.

....Surprisingly enough, I was OK on Monday. But today? It's kicking my ass. *sigh*

Sunday, June 25, 2006

BFLH....the story, we decide to go to good old Connersville, IN to the train station there to do the "Day Out with Thomas." Sounds like a grand idea, no? Considering that we have three year-old twins, we thought it just dandy. Now, our hearts skipped a beat over the $95 it would take to get all five of us aboard a mere twenty-five minute train ride, but since this would be the twins' first train ride, we thought it worth it. So Thursday, I stayed a little late at work so that I could order the tickets without delay. Aaron also took a few seconds of time on the computer at home, dodging the problems we've had with our internet, to secure a campsite at the Whitewater Memorial State Park. Everything was a go. I'd even been able to snag a ride to work with my boss so that Aaron could pick me up at work and we could begin our journey directly from there. Perfectly planned.

...After a brief hold-up in traffic, we make our way east of Indianapolis and stop briefly in Greenfield to eat and get some last-minute supplies at Wal-Mart. We never remember everything, so we wind up thinking of all the things we've forgotten en route to wherever our ill-fated journey shall be that time. We pick up our supplies and get to our campsite with just enough time to pop up the camper and start our bedtime routine. All's still wonderful. Until Erin began complaining of tummy problems. She demanded that I kiss her tummy to make it feel better. With which I whole-heartedly comply. Of course, I get to make sweet love to her tummy all.night. No big deal, I think. She'll be right by morning. Wrong. She threw up. In my hand. So, I think, still hoping to not lose out on my nineteen-dollar-rape-charge due to illness. We take a shower, and all seems fine. Until she rushes to the trashcan to hurl some more. Needless to say, she's not going, and either Aaron or I will be staying with her. We eat breakfast, and Aaron decides that he will stay with her while I take the boys to the train. All's fine, despite the three year-old antics of Griffin. More than once I had to ask him whether he wanted to do more fun things or go back to the camper and take a nap. After our train ride, I get a call from Aaron (we have cell phones now, you know!), stating that she had spent the entire time we were gone horking every ten to fifteen minutes. Lovely.

...Well, the campground was definitely more gracious than Thomas was, for we were able to come home a day early and receive a refund. So that's just what we did.

...And another one's gone...and another one's gone...and another one bites the dust.

For those of you who want the full story, at least one person seems to puke on nine out of ten Byers' excursions. I think that Aaron's the only one who's not puked so far. Don't worry. Give him time.

Saturday, June 24, 2006

And Yes.....

....I just need to state for the public that the Byers household should henceforth be referred to as "The-Born-Fucking-Losers Household." For those of you who have followed the Zookeeper this long, tell me what happens on the bulk of all BFLH excursions?

Wednesday, June 21, 2006


(tap, tap....testing, 1, 2, 3)

OK, now that I've brought you all here, I have a few things to announce.

Number one. Due to circumstances beyond her control (read carpal tunnel surgery....YOWZA!!), Judy (the girl who uses my blog as her'll note her copious comments. they brighten my day, which is why i haven't started charging her rent.) has had to order in a cleaning service to her house today. In order to cover the extreme and over-inflated cost of such an undertaking (which shouldn't have been that big, in my humble opinion....she's really a neat-nick and there is no way on God's green planet that it should have taken the time it did to get through her house), she will be forced to beg for money on my blog. Because I do not have a good way to put a sign on my blog as a donation button, please provide charitable donations to PayPal via my emai address. I shall then pass the proceeds to her, less my administrative fees. Other efforts on her part are to sell all unused/underused crafting supplies at her house. Email me for directions. Thank you for your support.******

And our second item of business is, of course, a quick story about my son, Griffin. While with me in my room last evening, he goes to my underwear drawer and takes a peek in. To which he exclaims, "Look at all this treasure!" Mind you, there are only underwear in said drawer. Granted, I have an affinity for a certain type that are not always the first choice amongst mothers of my calibur, and might be considered slutty. But they are underwear, nonetheless, and a three year-old will not know that they are slutty or otherwise. Not for another ten years or so, at any rate!

***I'm serious about the fact that she had her house cleaned. Anything beyond that is not endorsed by Judy herself. Feel free to make that donation to my PayPal account, though. *wink*

Tuesday, June 20, 2006

Busy Old Day.... was quite busy. I did sleep in until 8:00 am (oh, glorious sleep!). But after that, the day was quite busy. So busy, that I don't remember all that I did, but I did get to overheat the shredder again. I also got to babysit a cantankerous fax machine. (If we get a new one, I shall be re-enacting the infamous scene from Office Space!) Tomorrow's fun will include going to Office Depot to get some packing tape and a power strip for my desk. Oh, the fun of it! All in all, work's not bad.

....Oh, and Judy, tell the Porch Fairy thanks a ton, and I take you up on setting up a workout buddy system. The time would fly by much quicker with someone to chat with! (oh, and and Nay are more than welcome to come work out with us at Cardinal Fitness, too, since you live in the area! hehe)

....Peace out, dear readers. I have a sweaty smelly body to hose off. Just be glad that you're not here to smell me. Pee. You.

Monday, June 19, 2006

My Arms....

....are a-wobblin'! I just got back from the gym, where I kicked my own ass doing an arms weightlifting workout and 20 minutes on the elliptical trainer and 15 minutes on the stairmaster. Am hoping that I can give haircuts still tonight!

btw...gave the haircuts. even one to myself. my arms still feel funky, but i managed. i think i might torture myself and get up early tomorrow instead of taking the afternoon route.... aaron's found a rekindled love with Rollercoaster Tycoon, so getting up early is more difficult for him. cry me a river.

Sunday, June 18, 2006

In honor of the day.....

...I'm wearing my Brasil (the way they spell it in Brazil) t-shirt. I miss me a Brazilian boyfriend....not enough to return to the fiery depths of daycare hell, but enough to pine and support Brazil in the FIFA World Cup. hehehe

...not much else to note, other than my niece's baptism yesterday. Unlike any other kidlet I've known, she didn't mind the cold water from the baptismal font. She did, mind, however, being woken up to be the center of attention. Both families of the baby were in attendance, and it was actually a laid-back affair, with minimal "oh-my-god-you-didn't-just-say-that-but-i-shall-refrain-from-going-postal-on-you" incidences. Welcome to the Catholic world, dear niece. You shall now be proud owner of a rosary and the insistance that you now take a class for every little thing you do from now on. It's a blast, lemme tell you. For those of you unfamiliar with the Catholic world, you must take a class to do everything. Getting married? Take a class. Having your kid baptised...sign yourself up for a class. Dying? Well, no class for that, yet I'm surprised. Anyway. we're hanging out with Aaron's family. We've refrained from visiting Aaron's dad at the annual Father's Day Car Show. It's pouring down rain here, and we're not stupid. But, we shall be gracing their presence for the Mexican Restaurant fiesta later. The kids and I got Aaron cycling shoes, a cycling magazine, Jelly Belly Power Beans (new animal, and I just had to buy them), Billy Joel's Live in 12 Gardens cd, and Rachael Ray's Cooking 'Round the Clock cookbook. For those of you who don't already know. Aaron pines for Rachael Ray. She's a member of his Top 5.

Happy Father's Day to all the father-type readers out there! Enjoy your day and your neck tie!

Friday, June 16, 2006

Happy Friday! TGIF! kicked my butt. It was a good day, but oh, so very busy. The company that I worked for doubled in size within the last month.... yes, DOUBLED. Gives me a job, though, so I'm not complaining. Today, the employees of the new business came in to meet the corporate office staff. They had lunch, got the pep talk, and all that good jazz. The funniest bit? I was introduced as the OFFICE MANAGER. NOT the Administrative Assistant or Receptionist. The fucking office manager. CRACK MY SHIT UP, I've been promoted! *falls off chair laughing* Despite the fact that my position is a bit glorified by the title, it makes me feel good to know that they value my position enough to not just refer to me as the receptionist/administrative assistant. Not that these titles are somehow "less than", but these are often positions that don't get much merit in corporate America. Honestly, the people I work for all have the best hearts. They're not my old EY group, for which I still pine, and have plans to lunch with later. BUT, I think that I'm starting to learn their personalities, and know that they're going to be good to work with. *crosses all appendages that I'm right on this one*

... Anyway, combine the typical work that I will be helping with on a Friday, I also got to clean up after the meeting. FORTY boxed lunches that I had to figure out how to bag up and put in a position that the cleaning staff would know to take out for me. It wasn't as horrible as I thought it would be, despite the fact that I spent nine hours at work today. *whines* Besides, those who clean up get the extras, don't you know. And Chick-fil-A has the best damned brownies, dontchaknow. Damn, I love boxed lunches. *cringes at the weight gain associated with this...*

Crazy Cars and other assorted stuff..... here's more than you ever wanted to know about Byers family vehicles. In 1996, just before Collin was born, we got a Toyota Tercel. Being the total guy that Aaron is, he bought new wheels and tires for it, claiming that they were "better." In 1997, I manage to put the car into a ditch, mistakenly thinking that I'd seen my sister-in-law on the street next to me. At the time, we didn't think that any of the rims were bent. We were mistaken. Fast forward to 2000, when we buy our current crap car, which I've lovingly named the Jelly Bean, because of it's purple color. it's a dark purple, but it's purple nonetheless, and is NOT a shade that I would choose for myself. Again, being the man that he is, Aaron put the wheels (that were once on the Tercel) on the Jelly Bean, currently called my Purple POS (you know what POS stands for, right?). Well, it's since come to light that, in 1997, I DID bend the rim, but only enough to cause a slow leak in the tire. No big deal, we needed new tires anyway, so got new tires to fit the OLD wheels, and Aaron put them on my car. I drive said car for three days, all the time thinking that something must be wrong, because the damn thing was shaking every time my foot wasn't on the gas. Well, apparently, I'm one lucky mofo, because the tires were LOOSE. I drive on INTERSTATE to get to work. He's since tightened the wheels.

...oh, and per Katie's request, I will share what my ringtone is.... It's "Fat Bottomed Girls" by Queen. I wanted something sassy, so there you have it! ;)

Wednesday, June 14, 2006

Welcome to the 21st Century....

....Last week, Aaron and I got cell phones. Yes, cell phones! What? You wonder why we didn't have them before? We didn't NEED them. And I suppose it's the same now. We dont' NEED them. It's just nice to have them now, with me on the road every day. I can say that in the past six years, it would have been nice to have cell phones a handfull of times. But I can tell you that when I get pictures from my sister-in-law of my new niecie, I am glad that I made the leap.

....The only other thing worth mentioning around here is last night's conversation with Katie. We were talking about the old saying "Everything happens for a reason." We've both agreed that we HATE that phrase. We don't care how much truth is held in those words. They still suck. And Katie said something that made me want to piss myself laughing at her.... she said, "Yep, and I just wanna say back, 'There's a reason why my foot is up your ass, too.'" That, my friends, is the funniest thing I've heard in a long time.

Tuesday, June 13, 2006


...this blog will not be a work one of my bosses reads it. i suppose i don't need a number two, do i?? *winks* if i should ever start a blog to talk about work, i shall be going underground with it.

...overall, though, there is minimal weirdness at this job. NOT non-existant weirdness, but minimal. (dear boss, I'm not talking about you, so don't move to fire me yet!)

Nothing Much.... say. Not a whole heck of a lot going on in Byers land. Get up, go to work, come home, tidy up after supper, go to bed. Lather. Rinse. Repeat. Unless, that is, that you want to hear about how I got to start setting up a file room yesterday. In that case, email me if you want the gory details.

Sunday, June 11, 2006

Hamburgers and Horseshoes.... and don't forget Puke! the weekend's festivities went as planned. We went down to my hometown and camped out on my Great-Great-Uncle's farm. It was more relaxing than I could have hoped for. Of course, traveling with toddlers or preschoolers affords little relaxation, but having plans only to be together was so very nice. We played Scrabble with my Gran. I won the first game, and really lost to her the second game, but she couldn't prove that 'vox' was a word, and didn't want to start arguements, so she put down another word. I told her to put it down, but she didn't, so I wound up winning again. (Did I tell you about my mean competitive streak??) I took a nap with Erin in the afternoon, which was glorious, especially since we were up until midnight the night before and they woke me up around 6:30 that morning. In the afternoon, I played horseshoes with my dad, Aaron, and my brother Joshua. I actually got a ringer! *pats self on back* We headed home last night, and got in at about 1:00 this morning. Thankfully, the babies slept until 9:30 or so, so we got better sleep. was a nice time for me. While Aaron stayed home with the kids and balanced the checkbook, I went shopping. Not a big clothing shopper, I usually get most of my clothes from my sister-in-law, Andrea. She likes to shop, and is very gentle with her clothes, so her hand-me-downs are always in good shape. But I don't have much in the way of professional clothing, so I had to go out and get some things. I got several things at Sears Essetials. My sister-in-law, Alaina, took some time out of studying for the bar to go with me (thanks so very much, girlie!). She was a source of ideas and support, as well as the one who held clothes for me. Did I tell you how nice she is?? Well, I'm telling you now! *winks* After I dropped her back off at home so that she could get back to studying, I went to TJ Maxx and did something I don't really like to do. Dig through the racks to find clothes. I found three more tops. Total, I might have spent $125 today, but got a dress, a pair of pants, and six tops, not to mention some new undies from Victoria's Secret. They'd so lovingly given me a coupon for a free pair, so I went to use it, thinking that the Semi-Annual Sale was going on. How very wrong I was! *whines* I have to wait a week for that. *sigh* now I'm all ready for work. Yay! I am ready for the new week to commence. Hopefully it will be easier-going than last week. But the funny thing is, is that, while I don't envy the position of my supervisors, that's the kind of busy that I like. I don't mind having a deadline. I don't mind having a ton to do. I'd rather have a ton to keep me busy. Of course, the owner came up to me and reassured me that it's NOT normally so busy, so we'll see what kinds of things I'll be doing to keep myself busy and out of trouble in a few weeks. *winks*

...oh, and what Byers family travels would be complete without catastrophe? Erin got a goose-egg on her head from Griffin and a wayward croquet mallet. And Collin takes the drama award with not only a sprained ankle, but also the flu. We were five minutes or so away from home last night when he pipes up... "Can we stop so that I can use the restroom??" My kid NEVER says this type of thing. Ever. Usually he'll go when we stop, but he's usually just fine and won't pipe up to demand that we stop. He steps out of the van and horks his poor little guts up all over the pavement. We baptized two parking lots before he was able to get in to use a toilet. I felt so badly for him. He was fine after a shower, but we were worried about him! He's been fine today, though, and has spent the entire day lounging on the sofa in his pj's.

Hope everyone had a great weekend! :) Go stop by Hammer's blog and tell him how cute the ladies in his family are! ;)

Friday, June 09, 2006

Friday.... plenty of sleep last night. I have, however, been getting late night/early morning visits from the twins. Not so wonderful to be able to sleep in until 7:00 a.m. if you have visitors before then. *sigh* I do miss me some babies, though. Of course, I think I'll notice how fast they're growing now that I'm not spending Every.Waking.Moment. with them.

....Funny things to note about work.

I need to use my Microsoft Office shtuff for work, but somewhere along the line, my computer won't let me.

We got authorization from the owner to use the company credit card for lunch, but no one can agree on what to eat, so I'm still sat at my desk eating a South Beach Bar. Fake chocolate ain't half bad. *winks*

...So today I'm heading directly from work to my hometown for the big graduation parties between the families. Aaron is quite nervous, as we're camping at a location that doesn't have running water. That, coupled with the fact that we've not had four minutes to breathe since I quit daycare, makes the trip cut short to Saturday night. Thus, giving us Sunday to try and recouperate. We shall see.

Hopefully I'll have pics to share on Monday.

Happy Weekend, all!

Thursday, June 08, 2006

First Meltdown....

...I know... already. It's been three whole days. *sigh* Apparently, I was right to worry about the way I dress. One of the girls had the "quick word behind a closed door" with me yesterday. And, being the sensitive girl I am, whose emotions go out her eyes no matter what, I cried. *kicks self in sensitive ass* I realized that all of these changes were affecting me much more than I wanted to let on. I'm stubborn like that. I miss my babies. I miss two hour phone calls with Katie in which we let it all out and try to change the world. *winks* I miss spending all day in my jeans and t-shirts. I miss not having to call anyone except Katie. There are many things I DON'T miss about my former life, but if you've been a diligent reader, you'll know what those things are.

...other than that, the new job is really going fine. I really like the people I work for. They've all been really nice to me.

Here is a list of things I did yesterday:
1. learned to use a paper shredder (no, it wasn't legal and important documents, but yes, i worked at Ernst & Young before, NOT Arthur-Anderson).
2. set up interviews
3. set up a voice mail message on one of the owners' phones
4. data entry.

Hey...glamorous it's not....but it ain't a-wipin' shitty asses, right? *winks*

Tuesday, June 06, 2006

Second Day...

...on the job. So far, I've done a lot of data entry...a LOT. The job itself won't entail this much in the future, but they're getting more business around here, so I'm having to set it all up in our computer system. Yes, I'm the hamster spinning the wheel. *winks*

...All in all, it's not bad. I do sometimes, however, want to shout at the top of my lungs: "C'mon, guys, hit, bite or kick someone and scream loudly at me! It's too damn quiet in here!" I've also forewarned them that if we go to lunch, and I unwrap everyone's silverware to not be alarmed. These habits die hard!

...The twins are doing pretty well with Miss Julie. I'm so very happy to take them there, because they LOVE her. That, and she does daycare because she WANTS to. This makes a ton of difference, but I can see that my kids might make her want to quit after a while, too. I did my best, but she's got her hands full with them! I miss them terribly, though. My arms feel so empty during the day. But, my arms are full at night, and I get tons of snuggles! I love this! That, and I feel that when they're screaming at me, like they were this morning, that I can handle it better. I no longer want to sell them to the gypsies, so this is a very good thing!

...OK, back to the grindstone. Hope everyone out there in blogland is having a good day!

... by the way, she should have received her letter by now. I cleverly putcards to my gran, who lives in a nearby town, in the same day's mail, and know for certain that she's received them. We shall see how things go.

Sunday, June 04, 2006

Nightmares.... nightmares, waking and sleeping, revolve around what I've done with that letter. Not that all my feelings aren't valid, and not that those things didn't need to be said, but just the same, I don't like purposely making people feel bad. No matter how horrible they are to me. And then I think of the protection of my son, and all the things that she must have said to him when she was with him last weekend, and I know that I've done the right thing. While I know that I can't protect Collin totally from the past, I know that I can do my best to make sure that the future is better. And I needed to say all that stuff to her to figure out if the future is even possible. It's not a good example to my children to not have enough guts to be assertive enough to stand up for what I believe and tell people what I feel to be the truth. Sure, there are gentle ways to tell people what you think without destroying them. And I can definitely say that I'm not always a good person where that is concerned. But I can't let my kids get run over because I haven't taught them how to be assertive at all. And the more I think about this, the more frustrated and angry that I am with my dad and stepmom for teaching me to be less assertive, or to let people get by with things simply because they know no different.

...Am hoping that something actually does happen, in a way. Because not knowing how I've affected her is tearing me up a bit. Is she angry. Will she say the same assinine things that she did the last time I confronted her? Will she do the unthinkable and actually commit suicide this time? I suppose I need to know so that I can start my own healing. If she cuts me out of her life, then I will know that she really is as sick as I think. That she's never learned any sort of lesson from her mistake. But I suppose I don't know what I will think if she wants to make some sort of an appology and effort.

....Bah. I suppose I shouldn't be airing my laundry out, should I? I will think of more positive things to say, if I can.

Saturday, June 03, 2006

Because I'm a Narcissist.....

.... go look here....

The Boy, and the Man.... I have to brag on Collin and Aaron today. I work my way through my bragging from smallest to tallest.

...Collin, who is known for his sweet and ultra-sensitive disposition, told me the other week that he wanted me to buy some Yu-Gi-Oh cards for his friends. You see, I'm one of those over-indulgent parents who will go to hell for leather to find a rare card or game for her child. So sue me. Anyway, we talked about it, and I told him that we would have an "un-birthday party" for his friends when they came in so that he would have an excuse to give them these rare, and rather expensive, cards. But, I did tell him that since they weren't really birthday presents, that he had to chip in half the money for the cards. At which he didn't bat an eyelash. I love that my kid will give so freely. I hope that this is something that he will continue later in life. And I would love to think that I somehow helped instill this in him. Can I just say how much I love this kid?

...Now we move to Aaron. As many of you know, he participated in this years' Indianapolis Tour de Cure, a charity bike race to raise money for the American Diabetes Association. Well, his intention was to participate in the 50K race, an impressive 31 miles. Instead, he somehow made it into the 75K race. Coupled with a couple laps around the Indianapolis Motor Speedway, and he rode something like a whopping 54 miles today! I couldn't be prouder of my little man! Not only that, he was able to raise $215 for the cause. Can I just say how much I love him, too?

Friday, June 02, 2006

Zookeeper Unleashed: It's Official! today was my last day as a Zookeeper. And can I tell you how loved I feel? I got a cake at lunch from two sets of families. I got thank you cards. I got Bath & Body smellies. I got loves and kisses from kids. I got hugs and "I love you"'s from moms. And I can honestly say that I love each and every one of them. And I will miss each and every one of them. (to a certain extent, mind you!) But I have to be like Seinfeld, and go out on top. The alternative was to go out by landing in the Stress Center, the County Jail, or Divorce Court. None of which is all too appealing. So, out like Seinfeld.

....Am offering up this toast.... *slurps diet Coke*

Happy Friday!

...and what a happy day it is. My mind is still clouded over with what I've done and the reflection that went into all of that. I understand that this chapter won't close until one of us dies, but I'm not going to let it close without telling her how I feel. Don't get me wrong. I love her. As much as anyone could love someone who's done the things she has. Part of me wants to just cut her out. But part of me wants so badly for her to change and be the mommy that I've always wanted and needed out of her. But my head totally knows that she'll never change. She'll never be what I need her to be. Which makes me so thankful for my stepmom. She totally has taken the role of "MOM" in my life. She has embraced it with as open of arms as she possibly could (considering we made her an instafamily at the ripe old age of 25!). And no matter what happens, I know that she'll always be "MOM" for me. She's actually told me this. And I can't tell you how happy that makes me. My heart is so full of love for a woman who steps back and lets the bio-mom get all the glory, knowing that she's done all the work to raise me. And I'm not going to let that happen any more. It's really not fair to her. Which is part of the reason I sent that letter to the bio-mom.

...ANYWAY, back to the happiness of today. Today is the very last day of daycare. And I've decided that I will work nights or flip burgers before ever reliving the past three years. I love the children that I watch. Even the one who crawls on top of my counters. But I'm exhausted from the past three years. And anyone who runs a daycare and takes on too many kids will tell you how crazy life is. It's nuts. And it takes a special person to do it. Unfortunately, I'm not that person. And I'm glad that these kids will find that someone who is.

Thursday, June 01, 2006

no take-backs.....

....the mail carrier just came. no taking back what i've just done. and now i must live with the consequences. i know that it will be ok. that i shouldn't be worrying so much about a person whose sole role in my life has been to carry me in her womb. and looking back on the conversations that i've had with my dad on this topic. it's not a wonder that i'll put her feelings above my own most often, because it's been happening for years. they honestly never should have granted the woman weekend visitation rights to us when they took us from her custody. but they gave them to her anyway. why? to preserve her feelings. she gets to do all the motherly things in my life...why? because no one has the balls to hurt her feelings by telling her that she has no right to them. no right at all. and the more i think about the ways that she HASN'T been there for me in life, the more angry i get.

...stay tuned for news regarding the fallout..... *bites nails*