Life as a reformed Zookeeper. Now living a life as a working mother who dabbles in karate, scrapbooking, and Coors Light!

Sunday, June 04, 2006

Nightmares....

...my nightmares, waking and sleeping, revolve around what I've done with that letter. Not that all my feelings aren't valid, and not that those things didn't need to be said, but just the same, I don't like purposely making people feel bad. No matter how horrible they are to me. And then I think of the protection of my son, and all the things that she must have said to him when she was with him last weekend, and I know that I've done the right thing. While I know that I can't protect Collin totally from the past, I know that I can do my best to make sure that the future is better. And I needed to say all that stuff to her to figure out if the future is even possible. It's not a good example to my children to not have enough guts to be assertive enough to stand up for what I believe and tell people what I feel to be the truth. Sure, there are gentle ways to tell people what you think without destroying them. And I can definitely say that I'm not always a good person where that is concerned. But I can't let my kids get run over because I haven't taught them how to be assertive at all. And the more I think about this, the more frustrated and angry that I am with my dad and stepmom for teaching me to be less assertive, or to let people get by with things simply because they know no different.

...Am hoping that something actually does happen, in a way. Because not knowing how I've affected her is tearing me up a bit. Is she angry. Will she say the same assinine things that she did the last time I confronted her? Will she do the unthinkable and actually commit suicide this time? I suppose I need to know so that I can start my own healing. If she cuts me out of her life, then I will know that she really is as sick as I think. That she's never learned any sort of lesson from her mistake. But I suppose I don't know what I will think if she wants to make some sort of an appology and effort.

....Bah. I suppose I shouldn't be airing my laundry out, should I? I will think of more positive things to say, if I can.

8 Comments:

Anonymous Judy said...

Damn, sometimes I just cam't figure out those funky letters on the bottom of the screen.

Do you think you should just call your mom and get the argument over with? catch her off guard and give her hell again. Or do you hope to never hear from or speak to her again?

11:47 AM

 
Blogger nain said...

hey hun...know the feeling...hang in there!

I was wanting to leave you a happy message...I'm thinking you're starting your first day at your new job tomorrow so I wanted to wish you luck!!! Good luck!!!

4:50 PM

 
Blogger Auntie said...

Speaking from experience, it will take MONTHS not to experience those nightmares.

Steph, if she does decide to take her own life, it has NOTHING to do with you. It has to do with a woman who doesn't respect her own life and what she has done. It isn't your sickness is what I am trying to say. Keep the faith.

HAVE A FANTASIC DAY ON MONDAY! I can't wait to hear about it!

6:05 PM

 
Anonymous Judy said...

I am having a sleepless night just thinking about your new job tomorrow. I hope all goes well. First day jitters always suck. As long as I have known you, you have been the zookeper, so this is new for me as well.

9:57 PM

 
Blogger Katie said...

I have butterflies in my tummy for you this morning, I hope things go well at your first day of work!

As for your mom, what will be will be. We're here for you.

8:03 AM

 
Blogger Auntie said...

It's MONDAY and you are staring a NEW WORK LIFE today!

GOOD LUCK but mostly, HAVE FUN!

8:27 AM

 
Anonymous M@ said...

Good luck today. :)

If she makes an honest sincere effort then I think you should allow her too, but aside from that you've said your piece and it's over.

3:08 PM

 
Blogger Nancy said...

Hope your first day was fantastic!!!!

6:46 PM

 

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