Life as a reformed Zookeeper. Now living a life as a working mother who dabbles in karate, scrapbooking, and Coors Light!
....someone tell me that I'm not making a mistake? The letter is ready to be sent, save putting in the envelope and licking a stamp.
...so many of you told me to go ahead and get all this stuff off my chest. i appreciate everyone's candidness...and am secretly happy that no one thinks i'm a selfish brat for wanting to say these things. i've never been one to purposely want to rock the boat. it's just not in my nature, which is why it's been nearly fifteen years since my last real confrontation with her. one point, about six years ago, i'd not heard from her since i'd graduated from college in May. Well, the time for me to move came, and i didn't tell her where i'd gone. i figured, if she didn't care enough to check in every now and then, then perhaps she didn't care enough to know where the hell i'd moved. so after thanksgiving, i get this call from her, asking me why i didn't tell her where i'd gone. and i told her. and of course, being equally as mature as her 22 year-old daughter, she told me that the phone works both ways. and you know what? i'm sick of being more mature than a woman twice my age. sick of being the one to be so concerned about her feelings, when she's done little to look out for me. granted, she dealt with a lot of nasty shit herself as a child, but she's unfortunately let herself be defeated by this. i refuse to pretend anymore that i'm ok with all of this. i think i'm really ready to face whatever letting my feelings be known will get me. perhaps my letter will be a bit different than what i wrote yesterday, but the gist of it will remain the same.
...this is a letter I may or may not send to the woman who gave birth to me. This has been written in my off-line journal...it's the naked truth about my life, and the reason why it hurts me so badly to think of her taking any of my children for any length of time.
...so talk amongst yourselves and tell me what you did this weekend!
...It's been a good weekend, despite the mental exhaustion that looms so heavily among my family. There are so many conflicting emotions that come with a visit to my hometown. The exhiliration of seeing my baby brother graduate from high school. The nostalgia of seeing my old high school teachers. The exhaustion of not sleeping well. The sadness that comes with seeing my father's inability to bounce back from the failure of his business. The anger at my brother for not taking care of his family. The pride of seeing my middle brother taking care of himself and getting his life on track. The hilarity of seeing my baby brother hug, not shake hands with, those who gave him his diploma. The frustration at my biological mother for cornering my nine year-old and talking him into staying with her sometime this summer. The anxiety on the aforementioned mother's insistence that I stay with her. The tenderness that I feel toward my stepmother, the woman who raised me. The gratefulness I have toward my (step)grandparents, in whose driveway we parked our camper and with whom we shared breakfast every morning.
1. pack twins and myself for the weekend
....we forgot to renew the trailer license plate on our pop-up camper. Am hoping that we will be able to pick up the sticker tomorrow at the license branch. Go me.
...the sinuses, filled with questionable congestion, are driving me crazy. Along with the tattling daycare children...bitch, whine, nag...and it's not always me doing the aforementioned three.
I AM: excited about my new job...to the point of distraction and the ability to annoy everyone around me...
....until my new life commences. Sounds dramatic, doesn't it? I really do feel like I've acquired a new lease on life. To think that I've already been working for nearly three hours this morning, and to think that I have nine ahead of me still is so completely daunting! And the thought of being at work for eight hours TOTAL feels like a fucking vacation! *giggles*
So, go look at the choices, and tell me what you think? I think I'm wrapping this up by Wednesday. I am leaning toward some things, but still want to see if anyone else has anything to add before making the switch....
....sounds pretty creepy, but it's not, really. Everyone has skeletons in their closet. Mine usually stay pretty hidden. The pain of long ago, and what should have been is something I try not to share so often. I often live for the future, and try not to dwell on the past.
....for the most part. We did have a puke episode (What I get for controlling everything my child eats and then letting her have at it at a picnic!), so I spent Friday night on the sofa, flanked by the twins. We didn't have any puksters on Saturday, so that's all good. We wound up going to a park yesterday, which was just so much fun. The twins had a blast, and once again I was reminded of how hairy this whole twins thing can be. You have two kids running in completely opposite directions. At the children's museum, it's much easier to feel safe by strategically placing myself between them. At a park, you have so many more people looking at you, rolling their eyes at you, because you're standing there kidless while they hoist their children up on a slide. Bite me, I want so badly to say. After the park, we swung by my new office building so that I could show Aaron and Collin where I'd be working. Then we went to Kohl's to find me some new workpants. Can I just say that I'm officially old? Why, you ask? Because I find today's standard of "careerwear" appalling! Absolutely appalling! The stuff that passes for business attire wouldn't have worked at my old job. Not in one million years. Capri pants? For a business suit? Gauchos? In the business attire? Those pants look like they belong on a goddamned beach, NOT an office? And need I start a rant about the shoes these days? Not only are they not business appropriate, I SWEAR TO GOD MY MOTHER WORE THEM IN THE EARLY EIGHTIES! See. I'm officially old.
....Zookeeper isn't necessarily fitting anymore, is it?? Gimme ideas, faithful following! ;)
Yes, as a former blogging buddy said. Those, my friend, are the winds of change. I feel like my life is on the brink of a new beginning. What's funny is that my internet life has been quite slow lately. Not sure why, but it has. And this is ok, really. For the average stay-at-home person, I think that having an internet life these days is a life-saver. And for the past three years, it's definitely been mine. And there are the typical waxes and wanes of activity on here, that usually have to do with the seasons. Late spring and summer are always slower. And rightfully so, for if you have to spend another damn day indoors with the curtain-climbers, more than little white pills are necessary in order to find any sort of happy place. Perhaps my internet life is slower because I spend more time on the phone these days. No one would really want to know how much I get done while chatting on the phone. Luckily enough, there are a few people like me, perhaps with several of their own children rather than a slew that aren't theirs, who need that brief second to yell at their child mid-sentence. This, lately, for me, has been the life-saver. My life-line. Not that my internet friends aren't near and dear. But I like the reality that hearing someone's voice brings. The reality that comes with having been in the same room as this person. Having seen their house to know exactly where they're at when they talk to me while standing at their kitchen sink. Of course, most of my time these days is spent talking to a friend that I know like the back of my hand. Her house, however, is farther than Aaron's willing to travel, so there's a chance that I might not get to see it (which I hate hate hate). But I know this person, and where her tattoo is located. And that means a lot to me. She's seen my c-section scars... has not flinched in the slightest as I lift my shirt to nurse my babies. That's been my lifeline the past few months. And I'm so lucky to have her.
....when I'm nervous, I shake. When I have low blood-sugar, I also shake.
Dear Daycare Families,
...have been out of the interviewing gig for too long. Am writing thank you notes. Am feeling like an even bigger dumbass, to be honest.
...that I really HAVE to get a new job. The interview went well enough this morning, but it does depress me that I feel like I'm getting to the point where I can't string together an articulate thought. I've been off the adult rollercoaster long enough to where I'm getting frightened to be out in that "other world". Don't get me wrong in the slightest, though. I WANT to be out on the ride. BUT, I'm scared. Scared of looking ultimately stupid.
....hasn't moved from the 155 mark for a while now. *sigh* of course, i've not been helping it along much, either... hehe. Why is it that it's so easy to gain the weight, but very very difficult to take it off?? And it seems that there are so many things that thwart all plans of "being good." i've managed to hit the gym two days in a row. Tonight will be three days. I think that I'm only taking Thursday off this week, if I can help it. Getting a gym membership and a scale could seriously turn me into a crazed lunatic. Shuddup, you. I know I've a very very short trip for that! *wink*
...So today hasn't been too terrible. Just busy. There were two birthdays in the house, which can lend for some happy, yet hectic times. Nap was spent largely making cupcakes for this afternoon, so no rest for the wicked. Is ok, because now I get to clean up the mess from it all! *clicks heels like a lumberjack*
...and a happy Mother's Day to all the mommies out there that visit my blog. I hope that you all had a wonderful and restful day today! For me, it was fairly restufl and uneventful. I got up around 9:00, and went to work out (new iPod in tow!) for about an hour and a half. It doesn't kill me at all to work cardio for an hour, and I'm amazed how much more energy I have on any given day when I've worked out in the last twenty-four. Very strange, as more activity should equal less energy, no?
...today, my brood and I went to Dayton to celebrate Alaina's graduation from law school. I'm so very, very proud of Alaina and all that she's been able to accomplish. It seems like yesterday that a self-conscious young undergrad came to visit me at lunch (while I worked OUTSIDE the home and could GO to lunch, mind you!), and told me over adequate Mexican food that she intended to go to law school, but was afraid that everyone would make fun of her. Now, four years later, this same girl has grown so much, and can laugh at any sorry ass who ever doubted her ability to do this. I knew she could do this, if she really wanted to do it. And she really wanted to do it, because I got to witness it today. And make her feel like the biggest nerd by joining the rest of the family and waving like a maniac at her when she sat down. And whooping for her as she got her diploma. Alaina, girlie, I'm so very proud of you, and can't wait to see what you do next! I love you!
...no, it's totally not as profound as Mr. Luther King Jr.! But I have been having some very vivid, very strange dreams lately. Last night, I dreamt that I had just given birth to my second set of boy/girl twins at 26 weeks. Instead of them being encased in isolettes, they were contained in plastic tube-like things that dolls used to come in. Instead of laying down, they were upright. And not only these oddities were to be found in my dream...I dreamt that there were rats in the hospital, and that I was bitten by one. *shudders*
....this feels like it has been on eof the longest weeks ever. I'm not sure why, but it has. I'm feeling quite tired, but I think much of that has to do with the dreary weather.
...nothing much going on here today. Thanks to my wonderful friends and family members who helped Aaron to raise all the money he needed for the Tour de Cure. If you're still interested in donating (I know that there are more than just five of you who read my blog, ahem!), please see the May 8 post.
....shout out to Judy and Rebecca for sponsoring Aaron in the Tour de Cure. And just another shout out to anyone else to GO SPONSOR HIM! *winks*
...today's been one funky day. The kids are climbing the walls today. It's as if there is some sort of conspiracy going on...to drive over the edge on which I so frequently teeter. It's been one thing after another today. And the best part? The twins have leared the refined art of tattling. And they display their skills masterfully!
So, my dear husband, Aaron, is doing the Tour de Cure in June. This is a 30 mile bike race for which the donations go to the American Diabetes Association. Our family has a significant history of diabetes. Please consider sponsoring him! Thanks, guys!
...same old, same old here at the Zoo today. For some reason, the animals are always fiesty after a weekend. So, it's one o'clock, and I've got most all of them down for a nap.
.... cos I'm getting this for Mother's Day. And I'm not as sneaky as you all would think. I sat at the computer this afternoon, putting receipts into our electronic check registry, and foung a receipt from this store. The funny thing is, is that Aaron forgot that this was in the pile of receipts that he handed me. And the funnier thing is that I NEVER put receipts onto the computer. EVER.
...I get them. And I hate them. I pronate, and have yet to find a pair of shoes that does the trick for it. So I've just been sticking to the elliptical trainers and elliptical cross-trainers at the gym, in hopes that I can work through this. Hate it! ****ETA*** shin splints do not equal pushing myself too hard. the MINUTE i step on a treadmill, i get them. the very minute. i didn't get them until i walked for 20 minutes the other day.
.... ok, so the pudgy little Zookeeper has joined the gym, and has experienced some of the cardio equipment there. She has not, however, tried many weight machines, other than the standard Hip Abductors, in efforts to tone her thunder thighs, which are the yuckiest part on her body, next to the "what? you're not realy pregnant?" stomach. For those of you who work out at a gym (or are lucky enough to have a weight system at home), what do you do with regards to strength training? There used to be a free site online that would help you with this, and it was very user-friendly for the good old Zookeeper. This, however, was also five years ago (yikes!!), and the site has since closed down. *sigh* Anyone have any FREE sites they go to for workout plan assistance?
.... after closing down the gym with 30 mins on the elliptical trainer, 15 mins on the treadmill, and about 15 mins or so working with leg weights. After my efforts, I'm proud to report that the Zookeeper is under 160 (had been up and over 165 earlier) and am starting to feel a little teeny bit of a difference. which makes the end of my day a little more tolerable.
So today, Zoo would be more appropriate than on any other day I've done daycare. I can't believe the nerve of some people. It amazes me! The beef I've got going on? I started a new boy for the month of May. He is just one day a week. It's Thursday, which is my slowest day. No big deal. Honestly. So this little man's mom asks me if his niece can come along, too. I said, "That shouldn't be a problem, just have him (her father)call me." No call. My assumption is no niece. Wrong. She comes wobbling up the walk today. She is upset and clingy. No wonder, eh? Just shoved into this new lady's-could-be-an-axe-murderer-for-all-she-knows house? She wouldn't even let me fix lunch without screaming her full head off. I picked up the phone to call her father to give him a piece of my mind, but just put the phone back down. What's the use, man? But I will gently let him know that he really shouldn't do that to people. One more kiddo, I can handle. I don't know how. I just can. Is it tough? Damn straight, it is, but it's doable. But to not gear myself up mentally for the extra kid? Has been more tough than should have been. I don't know these parents. They have no fucking clue who I am? HOW ON GOD'S GREEN EARTH COULD THEY JUST LEAVE HER WITH ME??????
....and really can't talk about much here. So make this count as delurking and identify yourselves! hehe
....of having a heart rate well above the target heart-rate for the average 28 year old. Why is it that I have to move at a snail's pace to stay within my THR?? Anyone? Anyone?
....since finding it, I might not have gotten the job I interviewed for that night(which, turns out, I really didn't), but I am in the beginning phase of turning over a new leaf. Evidence thereof:
...and I really mean it this time. This morning, I dealt with internet issues AGAIN.
thirty-something mom and wife to the best little family I could have asked for
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