Life as a reformed Zookeeper. Now living a life as a working mother who dabbles in karate, scrapbooking, and Coors Light!

Sunday, May 21, 2006

The Skeletons Are Coming For Me....

....sounds pretty creepy, but it's not, really. Everyone has skeletons in their closet. Mine usually stay pretty hidden. The pain of long ago, and what should have been is something I try not to share so often. I often live for the future, and try not to dwell on the past.

...That is, until I have to go home again. The holidays are very difficult for me. This is because I have to share my time between two families. Both love me. There is no question of that. But one loves me with the unconditional and typical love of a set of parents, and the other loves me with a very skewed and unnatural love. If it were easy to write my own birth-mother out of my life, I would. This thought makes me feel like the most horrible person in the world. I feel obligated by some form of horrible guilt to make her a part of my life. And what's crazy, is that on a day-to-day basis, she really has not a whole heck of a lot to do with me. She'll swoop in on the holidays and steal my time and perhaps give a gift or two, but she'll not call my kids on their birthdays. She'll want to stay with me when something really horrible goes down, but never hears me bitch about typical, mundane everyday life. This, in my mind, is not what being a mother is about. This makes me angry. Makes me hate the fact that I came out of her womb. I'm a part of that. And I suppose nurture has more to do with how a person turns out than nature, but it sickens me nonetheless. Which leaves me sad, angry, and guilt-ridden about what there will never be with her. Ever. There is much more to the history of this story than you're likely to read here. This is only the tip of the iceberg, and the dysfunction is deeper than just emotional indifference.

...and this always brings me to the point of whether or not to let fly with all these pent-up feelings. Is it really worth it? Or am I opening up a can of worms that will make the future even harder than it already is? I'm really not sure. All I am sure of is the fact that I don't like how I feel and act with this situation, and I know for certain that Aaron doesn't.

...I always thought that when I was out of high school and had my own family that this wouldn't matter as much to me. But I now know how difficult it is to raise a family, and how much of an emotional investment that it is, which throws it back in my face that I didn't get this from the woman who gave me life. I know that I feel guilty when I can't be everything to my children, becuase I don't EVER want to be like her, and cause my children so much pain and irritation. I thought, when I left home (not that I lived in HER home, but when I was out on my own for real, I suppose), that I could leave this behind me. Instead of these feelings easing with time, they seem to get worse.

On a much lighter note, don't forget to put your two cents in about my new name. You could win a high-quality burned cd of all my favorite songs! lol


Blogger seeingdouble said...

This may sound harsh, but I would just cut her out of your life. My bio father was in and out of my life my whole childhood, a very immature person, and a habitual liar. I hadn't been in contact with him for a couple years, and he got ahold of my family when I was 17, they passed on the message, and I contacted him. I visited with him, where he fed me all sorts of BS about what happened when I was growing up, etc. I invited him to my wedding 18 months later, and about 2 months later I found out I was pregnant, but couldn't reach him. My kids were born, and I left a voicemail telling him, didn't hear from him until 5 days later. After that I didn't hear from him until the kids were 10 months old, and it was literally 2 weeks after my (now ex) husband had left for Iraq. He called and said "It's your dad!" and I promptly informed him my DAD was the man married to my mother, the one who raised me and was there for me when I needed someone. I asked him to never contact me again, because I didn't want him to be in and out of my children's lives, filling them with BS promises like he had done to me. The kids will be 4 in less than 2 weeks, I have never regretted that decision. Sometimes blood ISN'T thicker than water, and a toxic person is a toxic person, even if they happen to be your parent.

5:18 PM

Anonymous Judy said...

Families can be like tumors. Mine is cancerous and I tread carefully with them. Mt mother is not much a part of my life, but she is basically okay. We just don't share any type of emotional connection. I accept that she can never give me what I need or want emotionally. I don't like it or fully understand it, but I accept it for what it is.

7:36 PM

Blogger nain said...

I love you Steph!!! I feel that's really all I can really say, but you're like a sister to me, and that means more than you know

That being said, I feel I should get a CD anyway just b/c I made you almost piss your pants...whether you pick the name or not :-)

9:52 PM

Blogger Cath said...

Wow Steph, i never even knew about all that. Do what YOU feel you need to do and not what you think other people would want you to do. Go with your heart!

3:34 AM


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