mr. clean...you just gotta love that little bald man.....if you haven't used the magic eraser, i suggest it wholeheartedly!

RAP is back in da house....this time it was Erin again. We were on the way back home from southern Indiana for the twins' and nephew's combined birthday party. It went really well, considering the family dynamics....

So now I've more toys than should be allowed by law. It's good, though, because now I have FOUR Mr. Potato Head bodies, with a slew of parts. The kids were playing with them (for about five minutes) this morning, and everyone had a spud to play with! :)

You know that phrase in the Bible about judging that says "do not try to get the speck of dirt out of your neighbor's eye and ignore the plank in your own" (definitely not verbatim here...). Funny how that could so commonly be used. We were talking about the mother of the kids that my sister-in-law used to nanny for. She acts like she's never met us before, but Collin used to hang out with Savannah when he'd come down, and I know that I've told her with whom I belong....Well, MY biological mother had the nerve to say that she wasn't very maternal....I'm so amazed at how she can judge other people's parenting skills when she has none herself?? Kind of like the people who tell you how to raise a child, when they have never had any of their own. Or the Catholic Priest who can give marital advice. If you've never done it yourself, how can you be so bold as to judge others or give them advice?? Anyway, there is my deep thought for the day! ROFL

did he really say "oh, shit".....as a good friend of mine says.....I need to change the vernacular around this household.....

Congratulations to Mr. Collin! He tested into a second-degree Brown belt in Karate last night! :) I'm very proud of Collin.

Some of my fears as a mother were confirmed last night. We went in for the test, and not one of the boys who were testing really knew the kata very well. For those of you who are not as Martial Arts savvy, a kata is a sort of routine that the kids use to effectively use their karate moves (punches, kicks, etc.). Collin had to do the kata all by himself, and he was struggling. Well, as his mommy, I know all too well of the look that he gets when about ready to cry. He had that look. And when Sensei (sp??) told him to sit down because he was the only one who got the darn thing right, he looked mortified instead of relieved. Mind you, this kata is beyond difficult-looking for someone like me...let alone kids 20 years my junior! Well, the rest of the test went better, but Collin still looked like he could puke.

After the test, we went for some ice cream to celebrate. It was getting late, so we went through the drive thru. Collin gets the Oreo Blizzard. This is his favorite....and he usually can polish it off by the time we get home (about a ten minute or less drive). When we got home, he told me that he couldn't finish the rest. So I had him put it in the fridge.

This just makes me think that he's got some anxiety going on. And I go back to the question....When is this normal and when do I need to call for back-up? It makes my own anxiety flare up at the thought.....

just when i thought it was safe to come out of the isolation closet....

.....griffin's random puking now.....

.....remind me of what i said yesterday (all that stuff about being a happy momma....LOL)

is it bedtime yet? eight under fives today...what was i thinking?? LOL the breakdown was as follows:
1 four year-old
1 two and a half year old
2 two year olds
2 one year olds
1 9 month old
1 8 month old

ride diet coke train, ride!

you know...life is very funny....ironic, more than funny, i suppose, but it's crazy how you can look back on a month, year, or decade, and marvel at how much has changed. one month ago, i was getting two new kids in the daycare. one year ago, i was struggling just to make it through the day with my newfound job and status as work-at-home mother. one decade ago, i was a miserable senior in high school...a mere shadow of a girl at 110-115 lbs. i was lonely and felt incredibly lost; like i had no place to really say that i fit.

even with having an entire world out there to discover, i would never want to be 17 again. i love the fact that i have three kids that call me mommy, a husband who loves me dearly and puts up with me fantastically (tho he's NOT perfect! LOL), and a group of kids who lovingly call me "miss steph".

no, i've never been able to see the other side of the atlantic (and probably won't until i'm also called "grandma")....in the near future, i won't be going anywhere on vacation that doesn't include a camper and peeing in a different building....i've never had a prestigious career (tho i'm hell bent and determined to have a job where i can collect a pension and have sick days. LOL)...i've never lived by myself for more than a month and a half. but i'm not sorry that i haven't had these things. my life is fuller and more meaningful than it's ever been in my life.

no...i don't always jump up and down with joy. i don't know many people who have between five and eight five-and-unders in their house daily who jump up and joy all day. but i'm happier than i've ever been. more exhausted than ever. but tons happier.

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well, we made it all day yesterday with no pukage! :D

the meeting with the realtor last night went well. we told her our fears, and my thoughts on being contentedly discontented with our living arrangements. for the first time in my life, i don't want something more out of life. if we had to live in this house long term, i would be happy about it, or i would at least FIND a way to be happy about it. we're looking online and have a few houses in mind at the moment. we will see if we can get rid of this house so we can make some decisions.

such big stuff ahead! other than that, nothing much happening here at the Zoo. i'm going to have the kiddos do some cotton-ball snowmen today. we shall see if i can get the twins and dante (not really babies anymore, are they? i just about typed the babies...*choking back sobs here...*) engaged enough to do this. wish me luck! :D

whew...i just got done playing bingo with two eight year olds, a seven year old, a five year old and a four year old....now they're playing with dried pasta....so, just how ARE those Presidents today?

so the weekend went a little better, save about a five minute span last night. erin louise was fine up until sunday evening, when she puked in aaron's hands. oy! other than that, we had no RAP's from saturday morning until sunday evening. against my better intelligence, i took all three of the kids to the children's museum yesterday with dante's parents. it was a relaxing, yet very busy, afternoon. we had a little snack at the museum after we played hard in the playscape. we then rode the carousel and headed to church. after church, we came home and had dinner with dante's family. it was a good time, save for a few incidences where dante's father decided to join in on any disciplining of my children. oy....i just hold my tongue and keep going, despite the fact that it annoys me to no end.

tonight we meet with our realtor to get things under way for selling our house. i'm nervous about this, even though i know that we will be much happier in a bigger space. aaron and i have talked, and we feel that now is as good of time as any to sell our house and move into what will be our home for the next several years. like....we'll have our grandkids over in this house. we shall see.....

ok....life's a little more back to normal. there was no puking today....and no one received the gold star (thanks, Leann, for trying), but it was Erin who was sick this time. Random Acts of Pukage. i'm sure that my RAP quota has not run out yet, so stay tuned for further RAP news. i crack my own shit up.....can you tell it's way late and i've been sorting daycare toys all night?

other than that, no new news to report....unless you wanna hear about things like sleeping in and eating 3 pieces of bacon for a snack...spending 200 bucks at the grocery this afternoon....and of making a supper (who the fuck doesn't eat chicken nuggets and cheesy taters??) that no one would eat....then i can sit and bore your ass all day.

so....taking my horridly sarcastic ass to bed now, as hoping that that will make me less so in the morning. we shall see....

right...i quit....i fucking quit....one of my fucking family members (this time it's me) finally fucking feels better, i finally have plans to scrapbook this evening with someone i really am interested in befriending...and what the fuck happens....guess...go ahead....guess? guess which one of my family members it is this time.....one who guesses correctly gets a gold star...........

i'll be in my fucking corner sobbing....k?

you would think that my throat would get better instead of worse?? oh, well...rock on, ice cream! ;)

other than that, it's a typical day at the zoo. erin had speech therapy this morning....she's doing quite well, though is still a smidgeon delayed... they will both be tested next month, so i'll be able to get an outsider point of view about where we stand. my heart tells me that they're going to be fine....my mind tells me that we still need to get them into school before i can breathe......

time always tells.

oy....i've got strep throat....last night i wanted to die i felt so bad....have you ever gotten sick and ached from head to toe? well....that was me last night.

for a little history, i had tonsilitis nearly every year as a child. my tonsils probably should have been taken out, but that was in the era where they didn't like to do it that often. well, as many of the other chronic tonsilitis sufferers of my youth, my tonsils now get little pockets of abscess in them. and i've been getting them for a lot longer than i'd care to admit! but, i discovered these little jewels of nastiness in college, and figured out that you could get them out with a q-tip and some gentle pressure. being the obsessive compulsive pimple picker that i am i push them out every so often if i see them (cos i check now that i know that they're there...) or if my throat hurts.

so, as i was looking around, i noticed that it wasn't the general nastiness....then i spiked a fever yesterday.....thinking that i've infected everyone who's going to get it, i decide that i'll just sleep it off and be able to deal with the daycare kiddos the next day, provided that the parents would still bring their babies to me.....well...i fell asleep just after 6pm last night, and awoke feeling WORSE than when i lay down.... :( so i call all my kiddos and tell them that i won't be able to watch them. i feel terrible when i can't, not that it happens that often.

so collin comes to me and tells me that it hurts when he swallows his own spit......here we go again...... *sigh*

why is it that sometimes it's the nice guys who always get fucked over? some people have no idea what it is to be responsible. they have kids, and don't raise them, and then try to claim that they're parents? when i hear of things like this happening, it always brings up my anger toward my own mother. who never seemed to know how to be a mother to my brother and me. i have no doubt that my mother loves me. she just isn't a mother to me. Oprah has a quote that fits so many things, but it fits my case (and the one that's brought up all these feelings) perfectly "Biology is the very least of what makes someone a mother". Sure, my mother carried me in her womb, but after that, motherhood for her has had a very vague meaning. If being a mother means simply throwing the parties and showing up when things are überbad, then I suppose you could say that my mom was a mother. If being a mother means nursing your child through every ailment known to man, of having a daughter yell at you because you never could afford to get her namebrand clothes, of nursing a daughter's broken heart after a bad break-up, of calling her daughter to wish her a happy birthday or of calling her daughter's children to wish them a happy birthday, then my mother is in no way shape or form a mother. All of those traits belong to my stepmother, who has done all of those things and is so wonderful to me, despite the fact that she didn't endure the hardship and wonderment of carrying me inside her body.

My mom preferred her disgusting way of life and her dogs over having to have any responsibilty with me. My mom told me to keep a job that she had a secret so she wouldn't have to pay my dad child support. While my dad was working his ass off to pay the bills with four kids. I was wearing yard sale clothes and eating fish sticks because she didn't want to pay support. Not that I mind it, in retrospect, but I know for certain that my parents (Dad and Stepmom) had to scrape their pennies together to provide for us.

Having a rough row to hoe has made me into what I am today...the good, bad, and ugly. But it never ceases to amaze me how someone could carry a baby in their womb for any amount of time (not saying nine months here, since the twins barely made it six! ROFL), and not have the burning desire to care for that child and provide for it. Parenting is tough, don't get me wrong, but it's not something that I would trade in a heartbeat. I love my kids, and want to do what's best for them, even if it means having to sacrifice bits of myself.

i had the absolute WORST dream last night. i dreamt that i was pregnant with twins, and started to have premature labor. i hadn't had an ultrasound, so i didn't know what the sexes of them were.....but the doctor was releasing me from the hospital, but i didn't feel comfortable with being released, so i told them to check me to see if i was dilated. of course, i was....so i was hospitalized again. and the contractions come, but i'm left alone with someone else who's also in labor. all of a sudden, i can feel tons of pressure and know that a baby is on its way out. i call the doctors and nurses and tell them to get in right away to help me. the babies are born (i catch them..unrealistic, i know, but it is a dream, after all), and i run with one in my arms to the NICU for help....the doctor just leaves the second one on the floor in the hall, and i remember yelling at them to hurry, because they needed to be put on ventilators right away.

i don't often remember my dreams. but this one has got to be the worst one i've had in a long time. i do remember that they were boys, because i remember asking right away, and telling them that i didn't know. and i remember that they both looked more than perfect. so much better than they would have been had it been real.

funny how dreams can magnify your fears.....

the babies' birthday was nice and relaxing for the most part. we had pizza and chocolate chip cookie bars for lunch...pizza and cake for supper. yes, pizza twice in a day! ROFL i had a headache, and aaron had a rough day at school, so we had a huge screaming match before aaron's parents showed up...but AFTER his sisters showed up. what do andrea and alaina bring into this house that sends us into a tailspin?? we don't fight nearly as much it seems....but so many of the times that they're here, we're screaming at eachother......anyway, things calmed down before aaron's parents and aunt and uncle came by, and we all ate pizza and watched the babies open their presents. aaron's parents got them trikes. griffin's is a perfect size, but erin's seems out of proportion, somehow. i'll have to post pics, but i have two words: baby chopper. aaron got erin a little crib for her doll, which the babies insisted on getting INTO. um, yeah....lunatics, i tell ya! good thing it's cheap, cos otherwise it would have been trash in the first five minutes! the bottom comes off really easily....perhaps the designer had kids like my two to test the product. All in all, they had a great day!

Griffin has been flexing his two year-old muscles. he's developed a nice squealing scream to show off when he's pissed off. i'm overjoyed. lol

the two of them were pretty good when i went to meet my old boss and good buddy Kimberly at BK for lunch. they didn't hardly touch their food, but managed to connive some out of a little girl in the playland.....i haven't been that embarrassed in a while. kids have no shame! LOL it was cute, and the mommy of the girl was totally being nice about it.

as i sit here, it's less than twelve hours away, and my babies will be two.....i feel as though i've lived a thousand lifetimes since then. so much in the lives of me and my family has changed over the past two years. some for the better and some for the worst. but most importantly, we have the twins here with us, and they're doing so very well. who would look at them and know how far they've come. i go through the store with erin, and everyone just comments on what a cute girl she is (even though she has boogers in her nose...bad, bad mommy that i am...lol), but they don't know that she was just 1 lb. 10 oz. at birth, and smelled like antibiotics and was so swollen that her skin felt tight the first time i held her (when she was over a month old). they don't know that griffin's pda valve didn't close on it's own, so it flooded his lungs the day after he was born, and he spent the next week on an oscilating ventilator. they didn't know that aaron and i hugged eachother and cried as aaron pledged that he would still love me no matter what happened with the babies.
and now they climb up on top of everything, look at me like i'm not talking when i tell them to get down, and give me the best kisses and hugs that a girl could ask for.

i thought that only women did this sort of thing, but yesterday, aaron said "at this point two years ago, we'd be going to the hospital" "at this point two years ago, we would have been in the high risk unit"......funny how two years seems like only yesterday, but a lifetime of changes can happen. two years ago, i would never have thought that i'd be sitting here, thinking of how tiny my little babies were, and of how they're now talking and climbing the walls. "get down!" "no hitting!" and "i love you so much" are a big part of my vocabulary.

i read several blogs, and everyone seems to have a different story to tell. there are things that people go through that i would never imagine being able to go through myself. infertility along with a premature baby (two of the blogs i read!)....going through to get an MBA....tough stuff, not that i've not had my own stuff to deal with...and i don't even tell you everything! i just am thankful for the "stuff" i've had to deal with. it's not always been easy, but it's always worked out, especially in my scariest times. i look at the twins and am so happy that i've been so blessed. if God's up there, he's kept his promise that we're not given anything we can't handle. i sometimes think that he's got the wrong girl, but sometimes i don't know everything. ;)

aaron shall live to see another day....he brought home the diet coke.....

he also bought presents for the twins, who will be two this Friday....sniff....where did the time go??

am currently drinking my last can of diet coke.....life is sooooo not good right now....

for the love of all that is good and holy, someone PLEASE bring me a case.....

awww, yeah....i love being able to figure out things!! :)

i have been able to update my reads list! :D

i still can't manage to wash the vaseline out of erin's hair (washed again tonight....tho i might say that her scalp doesn't seem as mangey today!)...................

we had a busy old day today. i tell you...the moment i take my eyes off these babies for one second (especially griffin), they do something to make me regret not having eyes in the back of my head! i also regret not being born an octopus.

today's adventures included cleaning up a box of gerber oatmeal......

is it bedtime yet?!

in my infinite wisdom (aaron would say psychosis), i decided to put vaseline in Erin's hair tonight before supper, in anticipation of giving her a bath tonight. You see, she has the world's driest scalp. It's so dry, in fact, that she has little patches that look bald. It reminds me of when my mom's dogs would have the mange. Not that it's that gross, but my mind inflated her dry scalp to that. So, i slathered her roots with vaseline. After supper, I took Erin and Griffin to the tub, and washed her poor little medusa-locks twice with baby shampoo, thinking that this would remove the grease.

Unfortunately, two times was not enough......


..............fried chicken, anyone?

the weekend was pretty much standard. we got to go out a little on Saturday, and i'll have you know that i didn't buy a thing! :)

erin louise spiked a temp last night.....*sigh* now she's not feeling well, and it's pretty much apparent that she's getting what collin and i had. harumph!

oy, vey.....


I would very much like to have today be over with already......I just got a call from the covering pedeatrician that Collin's strep test is negative. In relaying to him that Collin's fever spiked on Wednesday night, he told me that mono is going around. *sigh* So, we're looking at Collin possibly having mono. The only way to know for sure? Blood test. The treatment....nada. *sigh*

That, and the fearsome trio (Erin, Griffin, and Dante) have been especially whiney today. Resulting in an early nap....also resulting in a very very grumpy Zookeeper.

today Collin's home with me....yesterday he had another fever of 102.1....maybe this is part of the reason he was feeling so anti-social yesterday. this, in no way, lessens my fears, but at least they can ebb for a bit.

it's hopefully going to be a quiet day at the zoo. we shall see.

i'm realizing that i should never make predictions, because they'll end up horribly wrong, right? ROFL

ok....i'm sure that most of you who know me know that i'm on anti-depressants....of course, these days, who isn't??

but i think once you get mentally healthy, you tend to be able to see when you or others around you are mentally UNHEALTHY. at this stage in the game, i really worry for my son Collin. He's eight years old now, and is genuinely a good kid. EVERYONE I talk to says as much. Not that I'm bragging, but he is a very good kiddo, and we seriously couldn't have overcome all the obstacles that Aaron and I have if he weren't such a good kiddo. He was a college baby, so he went to class with me when I had no other alternative. He is the big brother of the twins, who were in the hospital for nearly three months when they were younger, so he had to deal with one or both of us being gone and waiting in the hospital waiting room while we visited the babies. He was so good and never complained about not getting to do what he otherwise might have wanted to do.

But he does and says things that make me think he's more like Aaron and I than we would want.....today, for example, is the school dance/social. Aaron is a teacher there, so he can kind of keep tabs on Collin throughout the day. Aaron went down to his room to call me to let me know that Collin didn't socialize or dance AT ALL. He asked Collin whether any of his friends were there, to which Collin didn't really say anything...and then told Collin to get on the dance floor and do something or he would take him home....not sure if that was a wise or dumb move, but I don't necessarily disagree with Aaron.

I worry...is he just genuinely anti-social because he's comfy with himself? Or is he afraid of getting involved with others? I am a bit of a sociophobe myself sometimes, but I don't think I go out of my way to NOT try to contact my friends. If I don't contact them it's because I genuinely get side-tracked with my own life and get busy with my own household. I'm not usually afraid to contact them, and am happy and embarrassed at myself when they do contact me. But that wasn't me as a child....I was seriously afraid to get involved with people. My heart rate would increase and I would feel nauseated just to approach people sometimes.....

My heart would absolutely break for Collin if he were actually like that, too. And he shows signs of becoming that way more and more.......

I think we're going to sell our house....

THO.....and I REPEAT.....

under NO circumstances am I going to leave Washington Twsp. (Westfield) and make Collin go to a different school and make me rebuild my daycare business......

there you have it, folks......



(i'm positively shitting my pants at the thought....)

*cough, cough*

collin and i are a chorus of coughs this morning....he's back at school, though, for the first time since last wednesday. i just feel like i'm getting some bronchitis or something...am hoping that it goes away soon....last year around this time i had a sinus infection that kicked my ass something fierce...here's hoping that there's not a repeat performance of that....

anyway, not much else going on at the Zoo today....pretty quiet, in fact...the only sounds are those of ripping books........who the hell thought pop-up books were age appropriate for a bunch of toddlers less than two?? sure as hell not me! ROFL