...so we had a nice Thanksgiving dinner at my house. Much to the surprise of my co-workers (the ones NOT originally from the US), we had ham in lieu of the infamous bird. I do not like turkey unless it's smoked. It tastes like ham when it's smoked. So we had ham, sweet potato casserole, green beans...flavored with ham, jell-o salad, and other things. It was a fairly quiet affair, with my dad, stepmom, grandma, brother, sister-in-law, 2 nephews, and my family in attendance. It went fairly well, aside from some tension stemming from not only my stepmom and grandma, but from me and my sister-in-law as well. We're all used to this sort of thing by now.
...to fill you in on the story, my brother and sister-in-law have never really had a falling out with my biological mother. And after I wrote my letter back in May to her, she has been johnny-on-the-spot as far as my brother's family is concerned. So much, in fact, that they swear that she has changed, and are even moving in with her for a few months to save some money while they find a new house. Good for them, I say. I still am unconvinced that the so-called mom will ever change. So of course this was brought up by my sister-in-law. Who, by the way, invited herself to my house in the first place for a meal we provided, for the most part. I did not talk to her so much about my feelings as I did my brother. Apparently, my so-called mom didn't talk to the sister-in-law as much about my letter as she did my brother. She told my brother that she was hurt and that she's given up on calling me. Which, for the most part, I can't blame her. What can she say to me??
...which brings me to my current ponderance on just how many times a person can screw up before it's OK for someone to write them out. I don't blame her for not wanting to approach me. Because there is honestly nothing she can say will make things better. And when I wrote that letter, I hadn't seen what my brother and sister-in-law are apparently seeing now. But you know what? What proof had I then that things were ever going to change?? I'm not going to put my heart into thinking that she's changed, only for my heart to be broken yet again when she slips back into her own little world of mess and apathy. And I sure as hell wouldn't and won't put my child into a situation I worked my ass off to get out of.
...Of course, being the person that I am, I'm nearly ill at the thought of hurting someone, despite the fact that they've done more than their fair share of hurting me. Of course, if it were me, and someone wrote me something like that, I would have no choice but to make some sort of rebuttal, if for nothing else than to tell that person that I was sorry. And she's never once said she's sorry. Not outright....one time, she said something to the effect of "looking at him (a newborn Collin) makes me think that old ladies like me get a second chance." Of course, by the time my wedding was over, less than a year later, she was back to not bothering to call anyone and make an effort, other than the holidays.
...So I have no idea. And more than one person has told me that she's still controlling me. Which I don't really get. The only reason why she was brought up at all is because it was the first time I'd seen Danny and Carrie since I wrote her that letter, and partially because they are moving in with her. Otherwise, I do not dwell on this much anymore. It doesn't hurt as much anymore to think about it. And I just shrug my shoulders and keep trying to be the mom she wasn't. You don't get two tries to be a mom. Just one. And I just hope and pray that I'm not fucking my chance up.
