At A Crossroads....

....of my life right now. Tonight at 7pm, I have an interview for a job. I have a big bag of emotions attached to this. I know, it's just an interview, and doesn't guarantee me of anything. But I'm quite nervous about it. It means giving up parts of what I've built for the last three years. Both good and bad. It means potentially giving my own children over to someone like me to take care of. It means also giving up some of the stress associated with staying home with my and others' children. It means potentially giving up the feeling of being isolated from everyone except said children. It also means potentially having to make sure three kids are ready in the morning.

...there are so many negatives and positives of this venture. I think that the positives would outweigh the bad, considering I would have a few more hours of the day where I could potentially move out and about. With or without kids. If my kids have a program at school, it means actually being able to go to it sometimes, instead of shaking my head and feeling incredibly guilty that I can't get someone to watch everyone else's kids so that I can go.

...I'm trying to teach myself to let go of the feelings of letting all these other parents down. The honest truth is that the feelings of obligation aren't always mutual. People tend to only look out for themselves, and those feelings extend toward their childcare as well. They go with cheapest and most convenient. Hell, I was the same way before I became a caregiver.

....wish me luck/pray for me/think of me around 7pm tonight. My stomach churns with all of these emotions at the mere thought of this interview.