i'm not sure what it is....but i sit here at quarter to midnight, unable to really sleep, tho i am a bit tired....gage is gone all week, so a little reprieve is under way.....

you know...sometimes i wonder why my life is the way it is...how i let some relationships go and hold onto others....and for me, sometimes i tend to let the relationships go that meant a great deal at one time, but have become very unhealthy. i usually get to a place where the other person makes me feel less of myself...for a while i think it's them...and then i realize it's ME. i've LET this person make me feel bad about myself, and haven't spoken up until it was way too late to save the relationship. everyone has things to say....sometimes they're exactly what you need to hear, and other times, they cut to the quick. and what's funny, is that sometimes neither party realizes the potential of what they're saying. sometimes it's like a tiny scratch...you put up with it, because it's not so painful...and it goes away. other times, you get scratched again and again, and then get to the point where you no longer can take it....and wind up wounding the paw of the cat who scratched you so deeply that they never come back for you to pat them again. it's kind of like the words of two people with whom i was so very close, but by whom i got hurt so many times. i don't hate these two people....and sometimes parts of me wishes that i could get these two back in my life...but things would never be what they once were. nor would i want them to be. for me, i think sometimes it would be enough to let them know that i'm thinking of you. when i buy a movie that i've heard them talk endlessly about, or finish a scrapbooking page that i know they'd be proud of. but never would i want things to be the way they were toward the end, for i wouldn't want to feel that way about myself again.

it's funny, the twists and turns that life takes. every day i'm learning to depend more and more upon myself...and to like who i am.