How to Lose a Job 101

OK, so it's amazing that I'm still employed. You remember when I said I was planning the company Christmas party? Well, I did. Hired a DJ and caterer, rented tables, etc, etc, etc. The night of the party arrives, and things are going well for the most part. I knew that I had to play emcee all night, and was a bit nervous about that. Things start out well...until one of the guys informs me that the salad has bacon in it. Remember, the owners of my company are Muslim, and, while they might not be devout in ALL senses of the word, they sure as hell will not willingly eat pork. So, I consult with my former friend Tanqueray for a little comfort. Our version of "Deal or No Deal" starts, and, while a bit tipsy, I do a pretty darn good job of it. Then comes a bit of dancing...no problems. Then comes the pie eating contest....the owner calls my name to participate. WTF? I have had about a fourth of a bottle of gin by this time, plus a Smirnoff Ice. There is no way I'm going to be able to eat this pie without puking. What do I do instead? Throw it over one of my bosses' heads. A food fight insues. Not pretty. And I'm not necessarily proud to be telling you all.

Miracles do happen, however, and I do still have a job.