***i'm warning you ahead of time that this post is a novel in and of itself......just sparing you the cost of the keyboard should you fall asleep reading this and slobber on it....i've ruined keyboards with liquid before, and i'm thinking slobber can't be good for the keys....***

sometimes i can feel myself on the downward spiral of bad mental well-being. this would be one of those times. not that i don't have enough on my plate, i guess. just a year ago, i was pregnant with twins and was doing fine. next week will be one year that my life went to hell in a hand-basket. i guess i shouldn't be so negative about my life, but i have had my share of stress in the past year. i had babies at 26 weeks. nothing can prepare a person for just how tiny a one-pound ten-ounce girl is, or a two-pound, two-ounce boy, for that matter. you know the beanie-baby bears? that was the size of my twins. they were both on ventilators, and both very easily could be dead right now. it amazes me to look at them now; they are so healthy and full of life. but this alone would cause some people to teeter on the edge of sanity. they were in the hospital for nearly three months.

ten days after the babies were born, i started having chest pains. at first i thought it was just water on my lungs from having surgery. i had a c-section with collin, and remembering having to blow on this stupid contraption to 'exercise' my lungs. well, no one gave me such an animal this go-around, tho they did tell me to take deep breaths. i had more on my mind than this at the time, so i forgot (for those of you who know me well, i'm the queen of forgetfulness). so, i thought this was just my body paying me back for not paying attention to this. i made an appointment with the doctor to be seen the next week, and decided to suffer it out. i started taking pain meds again (which i had stopped taking because the pain from the surgery had become bearable) and slept with a heat-pad under my chest. by the next day, however, the pain had become so unbearable that i could no longer stand it, so i made aaron take me to the doctor's office without an appointment. i would never ever do something like that, so that tells you how much pain i was in. the doctor didn't think it could be a blood clot in my lung, but she wanted to make sure, so she had me go to the hospital for some testing. for one test, i had to lie flat on my back. this was the most extreme pain i've ever felt in my entire life. i didn't think i was going to be able to take the pain. sure enough, the tests revealed some abnormalities, so i was scheduled for a pulmonary arteriogram (aaah, the fun terminology i've gained from this ordeal!!)......have any of you ever had that before? well, let me tell you about it....it was a real treat!! they snake a scope through an artery in your leg, THROUGH YOUR HEART (holy shit?!?) and into your lung. i got good sleep the night before this, let me tell you! so i had the test, and they indeed found two small blood clots. i always seem to get these serious illnesses that i downplay because i want people to leave me alone. this was one of them....i had no idea how serious a blood clot in the lung, formally called a pulmonary embolysm, PE for short, was. did you know that the largest number of hospital deaths are from PE's? so, i got five more days in the hospital for that one.

of course, those two alone are enough to test the strength and endurance of anyone, i don't need to mention that a high number of mothers of twins/multiples suffer from post partum depression, or that child-care workers suffer extremely high burn-out....

it amazes me to think back on the past year and to see where i've been. i've truly lived a thousand lifetimes in one short year. in times of crises, we often go into survival mode. our brain tells us that we can accomplish all the things that are set before us, and tricks us into believing at the time that things aren't as bad as everyone makes them out to be. it's nearly laughable to me now to think that i was actually thinking such things when i was going through it all. i had such a blind hope about the twins, and such ignorant bliss about the PE. these things helped me to survive it all, tho.

i really should be thankful for what i have. why is this so hard sometimes? i have three beautiful children that i get to see much more than some moms do. if i were doing what i used to do for employment, i wouldn't be seeing any of them right now....i'd be sat at a desk begging people to turn in their lousy tax documents, getting home in enough time to hop into bed and wonder how i was going to make it through the next twelve hour day.

i still wonder how i'm going to get through the next twelve hour day, as i'm working harder than i ever did before. but I'M the one who gets to be there to feed my children, I'M the one who can help collin with his spelling words. I'm the one my children want when they are tired. wearying and lonely as my life has become, it is very empowering to me that i actually get to be with my children. perhaps they will become upstanding citizens of the USA! ;)