am here but still struggling....

...so many of you told me to go ahead and get all this stuff off my chest. i appreciate everyone's candidness...and am secretly happy that no one thinks i'm a selfish brat for wanting to say these things. i've never been one to purposely want to rock the boat. it's just not in my nature, which is why it's been nearly fifteen years since my last real confrontation with her. one point, about six years ago, i'd not heard from her since i'd graduated from college in May. Well, the time for me to move came, and i didn't tell her where i'd gone. i figured, if she didn't care enough to check in every now and then, then perhaps she didn't care enough to know where the hell i'd moved. so after thanksgiving, i get this call from her, asking me why i didn't tell her where i'd gone. and i told her. and of course, being equally as mature as her 22 year-old daughter, she told me that the phone works both ways. and you know what? i'm sick of being more mature than a woman twice my age. sick of being the one to be so concerned about her feelings, when she's done little to look out for me. granted, she dealt with a lot of nasty shit herself as a child, but she's unfortunately let herself be defeated by this. i refuse to pretend anymore that i'm ok with all of this. i think i'm really ready to face whatever letting my feelings be known will get me. perhaps my letter will be a bit different than what i wrote yesterday, but the gist of it will remain the same.

and Gina, you're right. the best thing that has come from all this is to do the very best i know how to show genuine love for my children and to do what's best for them. this is something i've never gotten from her. she doesn't know how, but i'm sick of everything being fine because she never learned any of this for herself. it's not fine, and never will be. i suppose i've always been secretly hoping that she'd change to where i could at least tolerate her, but that's a very difficult thing for me. and it's because i've never confronted her with my feelings of everything that's happened over the past.

yes, quite obsessed with this, i am....perhaps i'll not be so wrapped up in it if i actually do something. lately i've reminded myself of the joke about the man who refused help fleeing a flood. all because the "good lord will save him." maybe i'm not any better than that man, for i've been waiting for someone else to help my mom see what a mess things are, when it's been MY job all along to do this. to tell her how i feel and face the consequences of the unknown.